Depression the way I experience it is very physically debilitating and socially isolating. Going out of my comfort zone is an exercise in repetition and trepidation on who will I bump into next. Even trying to get some physical exercise is an ordeal, the only thing I can do is walk--albeit slowly. The only thing I wanted to do is sleep, eat, read and watch DVDs--in other words, zone out. Making it worse is my capacity to recall all the slights, insults and other negative encounters I had with the rest of humanity from time immemorial.
Depression is waging perpetual warfare against the world and one's own condition of incompleteness and imperfection. It cannot be fought by distracting oneself with other pursuits, blowing a ton of dough seeing a therapist and a load of prescription medicine, but can only be confronted step-by-step, attrition-style warfare, hence the creation of this blog.
In cinematic terms, I see myself in the eyes of Capt.Benjamin Willard alone in his Saigon hotel room 'waiting for a mission' by getting himself stone drunk and shattering a mirror with his bare fist...or Travis Bickle viewing the 'filth' of New York City with increasing hatred from the view of the windshield of his taxi.
Films have a way of burning their images in your mind permanently, as compared to reading a book describing an experience from hell. It doesn't have the visual impact that the viewer can readily identify oneself with. More people would claim to have seen Asia Argento's 2005 film The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things than read the J.T.Leroy novel of a childhood descent into madness. Or Winona Ryder in 'Girl, Interrupted' instead of the book of the same name by Susanna Kaysen.
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